How Childhood Shapes Adult Intimacy: A Conversation with Dr. Adam Weissman

One of the themes I return to over and over in my work is this: intimacy isn’t something we simply “learn” in adulthood. It’s built on the emotional experiences we have long before we ever enter a romantic relationship. The way we’re seen, soothed, understood, and emotionally held as children becomes the blueprint for how we connect—or struggle to connect—with others later in life.

That’s why I wanted to sit down with Dr. Adam Weissman, Founding President, CEO, and Chief Psychologist of The Child & Family Institute. Adam has spent his career helping children and families build healthier emotional foundations through evidence-based treatment and compassionate parenting. While our practices focus on different stages of life, we share a common belief: healing relationships begins with understanding how they were formed.

Gary Katz: 

Much of my work involves helping adults understand that the intimacy struggles they’re experiencing today often began decades earlier. From your perspective, what are some of the earliest experiences that quietly shape a person’s capacity for intimacy later in life?

Dr. Adam Weissman: 

One of the most important lessons we’ve learned is that children are always learning what relationships feel like. Long before they have the language to describe their experiences, they’re developing expectations about themselves, about other people, and about the world around them.

When caregivers consistently respond with warmth, curiosity, and emotional availability, children begin to internalize a powerful message: My feelings matter. I’m worthy of care. Relationships are safe places to turn toward, not away from. Those early experiences become the foundation for resilience, emotional regulation, and healthy connection.

The good news is that we’re not trying to create perfect childhoods. We know that rupture is inevitable in every family. What matters most is repair. Children don’t need flawless parents; they need caregivers who are willing to reconnect, model humility, and show that relationships can withstand difficult emotions. Those moments often become some of the most powerful teachers of intimacy.

Gary Katz:

I often tell clients that the issue usually isn’t that they don’t want intimacy–it’s that intimacy feels unfamiliar, unsafe, or overwhelming because their nervous system learned something very different growing up. How do you see emotional safety being built, or unintentionally disrupted, in childhood?

Dr. Adam Weissman:

I think that’s exactly right. Emotional safety isn’t created through the absence of stress. It’s created through the presence of a responsive relationship.

Children thrive when adults can communicate, both verbally and nonverbally, “I can handle your emotions, even when they’re big.” When a child experiences fear, disappointment, frustration, or shame and is met with calm guidance instead of criticism or dismissal, they’re learning that emotions are manageable, not dangerous.

Conversely, when children repeatedly experience unpredictability, harshness, emotional withdrawal, or the feeling that love is contingent on performance or behavior, they often become highly adaptive. They may become perfectionistic, emotionally avoidant, excessively accommodating, or chronically anxious. Those strategies make sense in the environments where they developed. The challenge is that what protects us in childhood doesn’t always serve us in adulthood.

One of my favorite reminders for parents is that behavior is communication. When we respond with curiosity before judgment, we’re much more likely to understand what a child is trying to tell us beneath the surface.

Gary Katz: 

One of the things I appreciate about your work is your emphasis on compassion rather than simply correcting behavior. So many parents understandably focus on getting their child to “stop” doing something instead of understanding what the behavior is communicating. How can parents begin looking beneath the behavior without abandoning healthy structure and accountability?

Dr. Adam Weissman:

Compassion and accountability are often treated as opposites, but in reality they’re strongest when they work together.

Compassion isn’t permissiveness. It isn’t lowering expectations or removing consequences. Compassion simply asks us to understand why a behavior is occurring before deciding how to respond.

At CFI, we spend a great deal of time helping parents distinguish between the child and the behavior. A child may be struggling with anxiety, frustration, impulsivity, or overwhelming emotions. Those experiences deserve empathy. At the same time, certain behaviors still require limits, coaching, and skill-building.

Children grow most when they experience adults who can be both warm and appropriately structured. We want parents to become coaches rather than critics: helping children build the emotional and behavioral skills they’ll need long after the immediate problem has passed.

Gary Katz: 

In my office, shame is one of the most powerful barriers to intimacy. Whether it’s addiction, betrayal, trauma, emotional avoidance, or relationship conflict, shame keeps people hidden. I’m curious, how do you see shame developing in children, and what can parents do differently so mistakes become opportunities for growth rather than identity?

Dr. Adam Weissman:

Shame often develops when children begin confusing what they did with who they are.

Every child will make mistakes. That’s part of learning. The question is what story gets attached to those mistakes.

When feedback consistently sounds like “You’re lazy,” “You’re difficult,” or “What’s wrong with you?” children naturally begin incorporating those messages into their identity. By contrast, when parents communicate, “I love you completely, and this behavior needs to change,” they’re separating the child’s worth from the behavior.

That’s an incredibly powerful distinction.

We also know from research that positive reinforcement, emotional validation, and collaborative problem solving tend to produce more durable behavior change than criticism or punishment alone. Children are much more likely to develop resilience when mistakes are framed as opportunities to learn rather than evidence that they’re somehow fundamentally flawed.

Gary Katz:

We talk a lot about attachment styles in adult relationships, but I sometimes think people oversimplify them—as if they’re permanent labels rather than adaptive strategies. From your clinical experience, what do you wish more adults understood about attachment, resilience, and our ability to create new relational experiences throughout life?

Dr. Adam Weissman:

I love that question because I think there’s tremendous hope in the answer.

Attachment patterns are real, but they’re not life sentences.

Human beings remain remarkably adaptable across the lifespan. Our brains continue learning through new experiences, healthy relationships, and evidence-based therapy. Secure relationships, whether with a partner, therapist, parent, mentor, or close friend, can become corrective emotional experiences that gradually reshape how we relate to ourselves and others.

That’s why I try not to think in terms of “broken people.” I think in terms of strengths, growth, and possibilities. Every individual brings a unique combination of challenges, talents, experiences, and values. Our role as psychologists is not simply to reduce symptoms, but to help people reconnect with their authentic selves and build lives that reflect what matters most to them.

Gary Katz:

If you could offer one piece of guidance to parents today—something that not only supports their child now but also gives them the best chance of developing healthy, emotionally connected relationships decades from now—what would it be?

Dr. Adam Weissman:

I’d encourage parents to remember that relationships are built in thousands of small moments.

It’s the few extra minutes of one-on-one time before bed. It’s repairing after an argument. It’s putting down the phone to make eye contact. It’s celebrating effort instead of perfection. It’s being willing to say, “I got that wrong. Let’s try again.”

Children rarely remember every lesson we teach them, but they remember how it felt to be with us.

If we can create homes where children feel deeply known, accepted, and encouraged while also learning responsibility, resilience, and healthy boundaries, we’re giving them something that extends far beyond childhood. We’re helping shape the way they’ll someday love their partners, raise their own families, and navigate the inevitable challenges of life.

That is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give.

Closing Thoughts

As therapists, we often meet people at different chapters of the same story. Dr. Weissman’s work focuses on building healthy emotional foundations early in life; mine often centers on helping adults heal the patterns that developed when those foundations were disrupted.

The encouraging news is that our brains, our relationships, and our capacity for intimacy remain remarkably adaptable. Whether you’re parenting a young child or working to heal your own relational wounds, the goal isn’t perfection. It’s learning to create relationships where authenticity feels safer than protection, connection becomes stronger than shame, and emotional closeness becomes something we can both give and receive.

About the Contributors

Gary Katz, LCSW, CSAT-S, CPTT-S is the Founder and Director of the Center for Intimacy Recovery, where he specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from intimacy challenges, betrayal trauma, compulsive sexual behaviors, relationship difficulties, and attachment wounds. Through a compassionate, trauma-informed approach, Gary helps clients build deeper connections with themselves and others, believing that authentic intimacy begins with self-awareness and emotional safety.

Adam Weissman, PhD is the Founding President & Chief Psychologist of The Child & Family Institute and Weissman Children’s Foundation, where he specializes in the assessment and treatment of childhood anxiety, OCD, habits, sports & performance, ADHD, behavior challenges, and related concerns.

Suggested Resources

• Learn more about childhood anxiety, parenting resources, and Dr. Weissman’s Parent Empowerment Therapy through The Child & Family Institute.
• Explore Gary Katz’s work on intimacy, attachment, betrayal trauma, and relationship healing at the Center for Intimacy Recovery.