What Anxious Children Need Most From Their Parents

If you’re parenting an anxious child, you’ve probably asked yourself a question that feels almost impossible to say out loud:

“Am I helping…or am I making this worse?”

I’ve heard that question from countless parents over the years. Rarely is it asked with confidence. More often, it’s asked through tears after months of trying everything they know to do.

“I answer the same questions over and over because it calms her down.”

“He won’t sleep unless I stay in the room.”

“We stopped going to birthday parties because it just wasn’t worth the battle.”

Every decision came from the same place: love.

Then, somewhere along the way, they hear a therapist say something that feels completely counterintuitive:

“Some of the things you’re doing to help may actually be keeping anxiety alive.”

It’s an incredibly difficult message to hear—not because parents are doing anything wrong, but because anxiety is remarkably good at recruiting the people who care the most.

At The Child & Family Institute, we spend a great deal of time helping families understand the difference between supporting a child and supporting anxiety. But changing a parenting strategy is only part of the work. Parents are carrying fear, guilt, exhaustion, and an overwhelming desire to protect the people they love.

That’s why I wanted to continue this conversation with Steph Bayan, LMFT. Steph works with adults navigating anxiety, grief, life transitions, and relationships, and her perspective reminds us that supporting a child begins with understanding the emotional experience of the parent.

What follows isn’t a conversation about perfect parenting.

It’s a conversation about helping children build something far more valuable than certainty: confidence.

“I Don’t Want Parents to Hear This as Criticism.”

Adam Weissman: One of the hardest conversations I have with parents is about reassurance. They’ll tell me, “My daughter asks me twenty times if she’s going to be okay, and I answer her twenty times because I don’t know what else to do.”

When we start talking about family accommodation—changing routines or repeatedly reassuring a child to reduce anxiety—parents often feel like we’re criticizing them.

How do you help parents hear that conversation differently?

Steph Bayan: I usually start by saying, “Of course you did.”

Of course you answered the question again.

Of course you let them sleep in your room.

Of course you canceled the playdate after watching them panic.

Parents aren’t responding this way because they’re doing something wrong. They’re responding this way because they’re deeply connected to their child’s pain.

The challenge is that anxiety is incredibly convincing. It tells families that if they can just avoid one more scary situation or offer one more reassurance, everyone will finally relax.

But anxiety rarely says, “That’s enough.” It almost always asks for one more guarantee.

I think parents feel relieved when they realize the problem isn’t their love. The problem is that anxiety has quietly started making decisions for the whole family.

Helping Isn’t Always the Same as Protecting

Adam: One thing I often tell parents is that our goal isn’t to make anxiety disappear. Our goal is to help children become more confident in their ability to handle it.

That can feel almost impossible to accept when you’re watching your child suffer.

Steph: I think that’s because every parent’s instinct is to protect.

If my child is hurting, I want to stop the hurt.

That’s a beautiful instinct.

But emotional growth often asks something different of us.

Sometimes our role isn’t to remove every obstacle. Sometimes it’s to communicate, “I know this feels hard, and I also know you’re capable of getting through it. I’ll be with you while you do.”

There’s a subtle but important shift there.

We’re moving from rescuing our children from every uncomfortable feeling to helping them discover they can survive those feelings.

That’s where confidence is built—not after fear disappears, but while they’re learning to move through it.

What Does “Co-Regulation” Actually Look Like?

Adam: Parents hear the term co-regulation all the time now. It sounds important, but it can also feel like one more thing they’re supposed to get right.

How do you explain it without making it sound like parents have to stay calm all the time?

Stephanie: I actually tell parents the opposite.

Your child doesn’t need a perfectly calm parent.

They need a parent who’s willing to notice when they’re overwhelmed and show them what it looks like to recover.

Imagine your child is melting down before school.

If our own anxiety takes over, we may start rushing, pleading, or trying to convince them everything will be okay.

But if we pause—even for a few seconds—we create space to respond rather than react.

That might sound like:

“I can see this is really hard.”

“Let’s take one step at a time.”

“I’m right here with you.”

Co-regulation isn’t about pretending we’re never anxious.

It’s about showing children that difficult emotions can be experienced without taking over the entire moment.

The Question Parents Rarely Ask

Adam: One thing I’ve noticed is that parents spend so much energy worrying about whether their child is okay that they stop asking whether they’re okay.

How often does that come up in your work?

Stephanie: Almost every day.

Parents will tell me they’re exhausted, constantly anticipating the next crisis, and quietly wondering whether they’re failing.

My heart goes out to them because parenting an anxious child can become incredibly isolating.

One of the first things we explore isn’t, “How do you fix your child?”

It’s, “Who’s taking care of you while you’re taking care of everyone else?”

Your emotional well-being isn’t separate from your parenting.

Children notice how we respond to uncertainty. They notice how we repair after difficult moments. They notice whether we ask for help when we need it.

We don’t have to model perfection.

We can model resilience.

A Different Way to Measure Progress

Adam: Before we finish, I’d love to leave parents with a different way of thinking about progress.

So many families judge success by one question: “Was my child less anxious today?”

Maybe that’s the wrong question.

Stephanie: I think it is.

A question I like even more is:

“Did my child do something meaningful today even though anxiety showed up?”

Maybe they walked into school instead of turning around.

Maybe they slept in their own room for part of the night.

Maybe they raised their hand in class, went to soccer practice, or simply stayed with an uncomfortable feeling a little longer than they could last week.

Those moments don’t always feel dramatic.

But they’re the moments that build resilience.

A Final Thought for Parents

Adam: If there’s one thing I hope parents take away from this conversation, it’s that your presence matters more than your perfection. Children don’t need parents who always know exactly what to say. They need parents who are willing to stay engaged, stay curious, and trust that growth often happens one small step at a time.

Stephanie: And I’d add this: please be as compassionate with yourself as you are with your child.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re already doing what loving parents do—you care deeply, you’re searching for answers, and you want to help.

The goal isn’t to eliminate every fear your child will ever have.

It’s to help them discover, again and again, that they’re stronger than anxiety wants them to believe.

And sometimes, parents need to hear that message, too.

About the Contributors

Adam Weissman, PhD is the Founding President & Chief Psychologist of The Child & Family Institute and Weissman Children’s Foundation where he specializes in the assessment and treatment of childhood anxiety, OCD, habits, sports & performance, ADHD, behavior challenges, and related concerns.

Steph Bayan, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist who helps adults navigate anxiety, grief, relationship challenges, and life transitions through a compassionate, mindfulness-informed approach focused on emotional resilience and connection. She sees clients virtually in New York and New Jersey and in-person in the Hudson Valley.

Suggested Resources

• Learn more about childhood anxiety and parenting resources, including Dr. Weissman’s new Parent Empowerment Therapy through The Child & Family Institute.
• Explore Steph Bayan’s approach to therapy for anxiety, grief, and life transitions at Steph Bayan Therapy.