Validate Before Problem Solving: A Parent’s Guide to Support Your Child through Difficult Moments

COVID-19 has been incredibly difficult for our youth. Routines are constantly changing. There are more rules and regulations at school due to social distancing. As children are feeling more and more out of control, it is common to see an increase in their emotional reactions.

As parents, a common response is to fix the problem. “My child is upset, how can I make it better? What can I do?” While it might be automatic to go into what I call “problem solving mode,” it does not always work. Sometimes being problem solvers for our children can increase their strong emotional response and inability to regulate their emotions—what we call dysregulation.

What do we do if we cannot be active problem solvers for our children? The answer is: validate, validate, validate—and then problem solve.

Three Steps to Problem Solve
Scenario: A parent asks a child to turn off the TV for dinnertime. The child begins screaming, crying and rolling on the floor.
Step 1: Validate. You say, “I see you are having really big feelings about me asking you to turn off the TV. I am sorry you feel that way. I know it can be hard to turn off the TV when you are watching something you enjoy.” This response allows your child to feel supported and like she is not the only one who has strong emotions—what we call normalizing emotions.
Step 2: Discuss when calm. Once your child has calmed down and some time has passed, talk about the situation and different ways he could have responded to lessen his anger about turning off the TV. In this way, you are building your child’s self-awareness, increasing his ability to communicate with others, and enhancing the parent-child relationship.
 Step 3: Problem solve. Now you’re ready to fix the problem by discussing what your child can do the next time she is having strong feelings about a situation. Having this conversation when your child is calm allows you to find an effective solution together.

Comparing validation to invalidation

Next time your child is having an intense emotional reaction, think: validate, discuss when calm, problem solve. Over time, you’ll see an increase in your child’s ability to identify his or her emotions and a decrease in the amount of time it takes for your child to problem solve.