Advice to Parents of a Child with ASD: Stay Together

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) affects the whole family and all the relationships contained within. Unique variables are introduced once a family has a child diagnosed with ASD.  Parents endure an unexpected loss upon diagnosis of a child with ASD, of their hopes and expectations for their child. Of course, this can mean different things for different parents. How a couple experiences and adjusts to this loss can have major implications for their family and their relationship with one another.

Several studies point to higher divorce rates in parents of children with ASD, including disproportionately high rates of up to 80 percent (Doherty, 2008; Solomon & Thierry, 2006). The extent of this toll may be expressed at different times over the course of the relationship. Here I would like to offer some tips for staying bonded with your partner in the face of this difficult and lifelong disorder.

Parents must deal with the loss and accept their child with ASD for whom they are, without blame.  After diagnosis, it’s normal to travel through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and, hopefully, acceptance—all valid feelings. Due to the large spectrum included in ASD and depending on their child’s challenges, parents may need to endure many rounds of loss.

When a child is diagnosed with any disorder, we often find parents taking on undue blame and/or sometimes even pointing a finger at their partner to accept blame and guilt. This is not fair to either parent and, moreover, not in line with the trust and strength it takes to maintain a good relationship while raising a child with ASD. I suggest supporting one another, validating each other, and planning how you can both handle this together. Discuss access to appropriate support, which can come in many forms (individualized treatments, couples counseling, support groups, counseling, retreats for parents, childcare options, and financial planning).

While caring for children with special needs, parents must remember self-care. This doesn’t always mean exercise! Minding the parental partnership with significant others is equally important as personal self-care, while together raising a child with ASD.  Regularly schedule breaks and individual, couple and family activities. Holding family “planning meetings” can be helpful for all involved. Most children with ASD benefit from a structured calendar. Many parents are unlikely to put themselves and their relationships first. The strength and stability added by a supportive relationship between caregivers is an important factor in the whole family’s wellbeing.